The Gift

In March, just before what would have been my sister Renee's 54th birthday I received mail from a land far far away - a charished gift from an incredible artist and friend.  Renee was the inspiration for "The "Speak no Evil" monkey - she met Bjornik through her amazing blog "Circling My Head".  Renee was and still is an inspiration to me - I often hear her voice in my head - over the last few years she would often say "Shelly, you should start a blog" ... she enjoyed doing her's so much and got so much out of it, I believe she wanted me to have that same experience ... I loved her so much and really can't believe she is gone.

Below is a copy of  a email I sent to Bjornik ...

Dear Bjornik,

How sweet are you?  I have to tell you I was so surprised and thrilled to death, I was so excited when I went to the post office to pick up what?  I did not expect such a big parcel – I probably looked like the village idiot as I could not wipe the smile off my face - I couldn’t wait to get home and see what it held!  I savoured every minute, first making myself a cup of tea (doubling up on the pleasure) and then taking pictures as I opened it!  The card was beautiful, I loved it and the words really hit home – you are so kind and caring – your parents must be very proud of the man you have become. 

You have no idea what your gift means to me.  Of course the anniversary of Renee’s passing has just happened and I was feeling more angry than ever.  I was angry at the passing of time and could not believe one year had passed, in the weeks leading up to March 9^th I started thinking more and more about Renee, her illness over the last four years, thinking that Cancer is a  fucking bitch who robs people – it robs and it alters relationships.

There was a 7 year age difference between Renee and me.  Even though we came from a family with nine girls, I think to both of us she was the big sister and I was the little sister – we loved everyone else, but the rest were just our sisters.  Renee was one of those people, you know the ones you have in your life who really define how you think about yourself – someone who looks at you with rose coloured glassed on, someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, someone who thinks you are smart, and beautiful and funny and talented and all things great and wonderful – one of those people who enables you to believe all those good things about yourself too.  If ever I had a problem I would go to her, she always had the answer and knew just what needed to be said or done so that the stars and planets in my world would once again align perfectly giving me peace and clarity once more.  In turn I would do whatever she asked, from keeping the secret from my parents that her boyfriend was in our bedroom crying his eyes out in the middle of the night because she broke up with him, to meeting Wahid at the bus stop the first time he was meeting our parents because she was in bed sick, to babysitting everyday because she worked nights and Wahid worked days.  It was easy to be her right-hand girl, I loved it!  If you knew Renee and I actually think you did, you know she asks for naught, it was her character to give not to take – especially when it came to emotional support.  When I had my daughter I named her after Renee – Natalie, Renee ... they also shared a very close relationship, when Natalie was little she would throw a giant fit when it was time to leave Auntie Renee’s house – it used to drive me crazy, but Renee would just laugh and torment me more by egging her on “I wish you didn’t have to leave Natalie” or “too bad you can’t sleep over Natalie”  actually I am just now remembering that when I found out I was pregnant with Natalie I was 18 years old – sitting in Renee’s living room waiting for the doctor to call – oh God I was so scared and didn’t know what to do – without her support who knows where I would be?  Natalie was like a little sponge, she listened to every word Renee said – Renee told her you must be educated, travel the world, be liberal, care about people and be kind – that is just how she turned out.  When Natalie was a year and a half I got married (to her dad Peter) and a few years later my two sons came along Pete & Matt – so here you have it – me with 3 little kids, Renee with 3 kids – up until the time that they started school we were all inseparable – my kids loving her kids, her kids loving my kids, Renee loving me and me loving her!  As life got busier we didn’t see each other as much but talked on the phone every day – I LOVED those conversations – Saturday mornings especially they lasted a minimum of two hours, she always had something interesting or funny to say – we would go back and forth between solving the problems of the world to reliving our children’s every move (as mothers like to do) to laughing our heads off about something or another – I MISS those conversations!

Right before Renee was diagnosed I could feel her pulling away – I tried many times to talk to her but she was too busy, or too tired and then a second disaster struck (followed by four more tragedies before she died) – my nephew on my husband’s side was killed in an accident – I was very close to him, his wife and two little girls aged 3 and 6.  In the beginning I would split my time trying to be supportive to Renee, Cherie (Jeff’s wife) and my parents who were both having health issues.  Renee was my big sister who always took care of me any chance she could, I now wanted a turn to take care of her... but she would not let me ... I tried, honestly I tried – I have gone over this many, many times in my head because I am trying to figure out what went wrong with our relationship – believe me I have analyzed it to death.  I want to understand why she pushed me away and can only think that the dynamic in our relationship “big sister/little sister” her the emotional giver, me the emotional taker – maybe she just couldn’t “get” what she needed from me?  I am not saying I was perfect or knew all the right things to say or do because I surely did not.  I will not put blame on her or really me for that matter – I blame cancer - it robbed us of our relationship; my heart breaks when I imagine her having to face her own immortality, pump her body full of poison, all that worry and sadness over her children – believe me, I know she had bigger fish to fry than me.  Just the same though, I was hurt because I saw her let other people in, people she was not as close to - I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, it was not all bad and she would tell me often she loved me and that we were “okay” but I always felt we weren’t, it was like our relationship now walked with a limp – I always thought that when my Mom passed away I would then have the time to devote, re-connect to Renee and heal what I thought (maybe right or maybe wrong) was broken, but that was not to be as she lived only a short five weeks following.

It might seem strange to you that I have spilt these beans to you a perfect stranger (friend), but in the end it all ties back to your gift.  Your gift gave me a memory to hold on to, the beautiful memory of my sister at her best – a person who cared about other people, a person who loved me to bits and who I in turn loved to pieces, a person who helped to inspire that beautiful artwork, a person who really spoke no evil, but swore a lot.  Your gift reminded me of all the good things, opening the door in my mind to feelings and memories beyond the four years of her illness - to a relationship that I cannot let be defined by her illness ... for that I am eternally grateful.

“Wise Monkeys” will hang in a place of honour in my home – every time I pass by it I will of course think of you – a person, from the other side of the world who worried about a blog friend’s little sister, who took time out of his day and money out of his pocket to send her the most amazing piece of art, not knowing his gift would free her from her struggle

...every time I pass by it I will think of my sister with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.

Much love to you,

Shelly xo